206th Annual She-Devil Summit
LADIES, THANK YOU all so much for coming along to the 206th Annual She-Devil Summit. For the uninitiated, the Annual She-Devil Conference is a think-in that invites women of all ages, creeds and backgrounds to share their ideas on how women can ruin men’s lives for their own personal gain. We know how difficult it can be to come up with new ways to victimise men and invent new things to accuse them of, which is why we are here.
Over the next two days, you will be treated to presentations on how to be stuck-up, how to make men feel inferior, how to be conniving, how to be manipulative and how to be a straight-up bitch.
Here are some of the highlights.
“You Can’t Take A Joke, Can You?” How To Be A Killjoy
As women, jokes are frequently made at our expense. Jokes about being weak, jokes about belonging in the kitchen, jokes about being hormonal, jokes about being shallow, jokes about grabbing pussies and sometimes jokes about rape. While all these jokes are objectively hilarious (as all jokes made by men are!) and not at all indicative of any underlying misogyny, it is important that we never let the men know how funny they are.
This panel discussion will give you all the tools necessary to keep a straight face when a male comedian makes a joke about how giving women oral sex is just ‘not his thing’. (We know this sounds difficult, given how inherently funny and original this premise is, but it can be done!) In no time at all, men will be giving out to you on the internet for not being able to take a joke and accusing you of being card-carrying member of the PC brigade.
Birth (Outta) Control: Using Abortion As Contraception
As women all over Ireland agitate for the legalisation of abortion, some men are beginning to express concern that we will begin to use abortion as birth control.
Oh shit, they’re on to us.
For too long, women have been inconvenienced by having to use condoms or take the pill when what we’ve really been craving is a birth control that takes the form of an expensive, invasive medical procedure. We cannot let the men know of our dastardly intentions and this panel will teach you what to do when a middle-aged man suggests that you will use abortion as birth control. Like so:
Middle-aged man: How can we trust the women not to use abortion as birth control?
Woman: Ah, we won’t. *knowing wink*
Crying Wolf: How To Falsely Accuse A Powerful Man Of Rape For Your Own Personal Gain
In this panel discussion, we will discuss the pros and cons of falsely accusing a man of sexual assault.
“But isn’t it nearly impossible to secure a successful conviction in a rape case?”
Yes, but think of the attention you’ll receive if you do!
“Attention? But won’t I have to remain anonymous?”
Well, technically yes. But just think of the personal satisfaction derived from ruining a football player’s life out of spite!
“But aren’t I just opening myself up to a torrent of personal abuse? What if I have to move and change my name? What if people violate my anonymity?”
Well…
“And what if the powerful man uses the substantial money and investigative resources at his disposal to discredit me and my character in court?”
Um —
“I don’t know. I just don’t get what motivation could possibly exist for falsely accusing a man of rape when it seems like you’re the one whose life would be left in ruins.”
Because women are… evil… and… manipulative? Men say it all the time, so it must be true.
I’m out, bye.
Come back! You might get a house in Lanzarote…
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