Every American Rom-Com Set in Ireland
EXT: Irish countryside, morning
A bus pulls up in Ballymahokum, a quaint Irish country village. When the bus pulls away, we see Whitney standing on the road surrounded by luggage. Originally from New York City, she has come to Ireland to *find herself* and *reconnect with her father’s homeland*. She is not looking for love. I repeat, she is not looking for love.
She smiles and takes a deep breath.
WHITNEY: I think I’m going to like it here.
At that exact moment, she steps in cow shit.
INT: B&B
Whitney is in a bed and breakfast to enquire about a room. Why didn’t she do this in advance? It doesn’t matter. She is greeted at reception by Biddy, the no-nonsense owner.
WHITNEY: I would like a room, please.
BIDDY: A single or a double?
WHITNEY: (laughing nervously) Oh, single. I am *not* looking for love.
BIDDY: I didn’t ask for your life story. Patsy, show the Yank up to her room.
A toothless old man arrives. His face is purple from years of alcohol abuse.
PATSY: [unintelligible garble]
Whitney doesn’t know it yet, but he is about to become her most trusted confidante.
WHITNEY: Can I use your restroom first?
BIDDY: (reluctantly) Follow me.
EXT: A dank yard
Biddy gestures towards a hole in the ground. It might be 2020 but for the purposes of this film, Ireland has failed to progress past the 1950s.
WHITNEY: Oh, I meant something a little more… indoors?
BIDDY: Oh, the Queen of Sheba is too grand to do a whizz in the soil? (growling) You’re in Ireland now, girlie.
WHITNEY: (gulps)
INT: O’Shenanigan’s Pub
Whitney wanders into O’Shenanigan’s, the only pub in the village. She sits herself down and a gruff barman approaches her.
WHITNEY: Hello sir, what kind of low-intervention wines do you have?
He plants a pint of stout in front of her and walks away without saying a word.
WHITNEY: Thank you, I guess? Ugh.
A young man named Finn sits beside her. He is rugged, dark and improbably handsome. Why does he still live in this backwater village when he could be a freaking Lacoste model? It makes no sense!
FINN: Don’t mind Frank. He’s not a people person. I’m Finn.
WHITNEY: I’m Whitney.
FINN:What’s a big city girl like you doing in a place like this?
WHITNEY: My Dad was born here. He passed away so this is my crazy way of reconnecting with him. What’s your deal?
FINN: I am charming at first, but I have a problem with letting people in. Perhaps you will be the one to change me?
WHITNEY: Oh no, I’m not looking for love right now.
They look deep into each other’s eyes.
FINN: This place is dead. Let’s get out of here.
EXT: Country road, night
Finn and Whitney are walking up a dark country road when they happen upon a barn. As they step inside, people are dancing jigs and smashing bottles because, you know, Ireland!
WHITNEY: (shouting) It’s like that part in Titanic where Rose goes to party with the poor Irish people in third class!
FINN: Exactly!
Finn produces a bottle of whiskey. Whitney downs a mouthful.
FINN: Not bad for a Yank.
It’s called flirting! Look it up!
Suddenly they’re interrupted by Declan, another improbably handsome man. He is mad.
DECLAN: You have some cheek showing your face here.
FINN: Whitney, this is my brother, Declan.
DECLAN: Is this your new girlfriend?
WHITNEY: How many times do I have to say it? I am not looking for love!
Finn and Declan aren’t listening. Declan throws a punch. Finn ducks and runs out of the barn.
WHITNEY: (running after Finn) Um, it was nice meeting you all!
EXT: Field
Whitney staggers around looking for Finn. She finds him sitting in a field.
WHITNEY: What was that?
FINN: (sulking) I don’t want to talk about it.
WHITNEY: (longingly) I love how inscrutable you are.
INT: B&B, the next day
Biddy approaches Whitney in the hallway.
BIDDY: You were spotted cavorting in the barn with Finn McCourty last night. I’d steer clear if I were you. The man is cursed.
WHITNEY: (confused) What do you mean?
BIDDY: I’ll say no more.
EXT: O’Shenanigan’s
Whitney is nursing a pint because there’s nothing else to do in this godforsaken place. Right on cue, Finn enters.
FINN: Hello stranger.
WHITNEY: Hey you.
A beat.
WHITNEY: So I heard a funny rumour about you.
FINN: (suddenly tense) What was that?
WHITNEY: Okay this is seriously random, but I heard that you are… cursed?
Finn is silent.
FINN: It’s true, okay? A witch put a curse on me when I was a baby and condemned me to a life of bad luck. It’s why my brother kicked me out of the barn last night. Apparently, I “kill the vibe”.
WHITNEY: Wait, what? When were you born?
FINN:1991.
WHITNEY: You’re telling me that witches in Ireland were putting curses on babies in the nineties?
FINN: For the purposes of this film, yes.
He finishes his drink, which was not there a moment ago.
FINN: Now that you know my secret, I think it’s best you stay away from me.
WHITNEY: Finn, no.
FINN: Farewell, Whitney.
EXT: Mountainside
Whitney is taking in the windswept landscape. She bumps into Patsy who is drinking a bottle of brandy with some goats.
WHITNEY: Patsy, what are you doing here?
PATSY: [slurred nonsense]
WHITNEY: I hear you. Oh Patsy, I’m in a predicament. I think I’ve fallen in love with a cursed man.
PATSY: [dribbling on himself]
WHITNEY: Maybe I’m going crazy. I mean, I’m not even looking for love!
PATSY: (suddenly clear as a bell) Sometimes you find love when you stop looking for it.
WHITNEY: You’re right. I have to go.
Whitney starts running. Is she going to run the entire way to the village? Yes. She runs and runs and runs without breaking a sweat. Eventually she bursts through the doors of O’Shenanigan’s.
INT: O’Shenanigan’s
FINN: What are you doing here?
WHITNEY: When I arrived here eighteen hours ago, I was happily single. But a good friend told me that sometimes you find love when you’re not looking for it.
She winks at Patsy who is snoring loudly.
WHITNEY: You might be cursed, but I feel blessed to have found you. What do you say?
FINN: Yes, yes, a million times yes.
They kiss and everyone cheers.
WHITNEY: Barman? Two pints of stout, please.
An older man approaches Whitney.
OLD MAN: Your father wasn’t Denny, was he? Denny who went away to America?
WHITNEY: Why yes, he was!
FINN: Denny? That’s my uncle.
WHITNEY: Which would make us…
FINN & WHITNEY: Cousins.
WHITNEY: (disgusted) I’m sorry, I have to go.
She leaves.
FINN: (calling after her) Whitney, come back! In Ireland, you have your first cousins and then you have your American cousins. It’s not that bad! We can still make this work.
It doesn’t work.
FINN: Blast it. I’ll never be free of this curse.
A witch cackles in the corner, delighted with herself.
WITCH: Ha, ha, ha! You’ve done it again, you old hag.
She turns to the camera and raises a pint.
WITCH: Cheers!
